The Storm

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything on this page. I could say that it’s because I haven’t had much time to write.

I could say that it’s because there just hasn’t been anything new. Or, I’m certain, a host of other reasons. But the truth is, it’s because I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a STORM, and I’m just finally feeling like I’m getting things put back into place.

The storm?

The symptoms associated with having PTSD.

I’d like to step back just a bit. Growing up, I don’t know that I ever really felt like a kid, or at least, I don’t remember what that ever felt like. Maybe at age 4 or 5, riding my Yellow Tractor around the farm – I might have been a kid then.

At 6, my whole world changed and was in a constant state of trauma that I didn’t understand. I also thought that the possibility of changing that world only existed in fairy tales. Starting at about age 16, I started experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, I felt out of control, and had troubles with relationships. All around, it just seemed like I was unable to cope. I was given antidepressants and put on a sugar-free diet. It was a continuous roller coaster that kept me strapped in tightly, day in, and day out. At 25, I was fortunate enough to have a wakeup call that started me on a Quest to find the key that would unlock the bars and allow me to get off the ride.

Since that time, I’ve experienced tremendous personal growth and healing, and I can honestly say it’s been a journey like no other. And, to be clear, I’m not talking about the magical one where you are seeing lands more beautiful than you can ever imagine. I mean the one where you’re fighting demons, dragons, and the Earth is on the verge of crumbling beneath your feet every step of the way. And just when you think you’re . . . almost . . . there . . . here comes another challenge to face. (No wonder I loved Clash of the Titans, Indiana Jones, and Lord of The Rings . . . I could relate!).

But, I continued to travel the path, because to the depths of my being, I believed that there WAS a key. There had to be an answer to why I always saw myself so differently than what others seemed to perceive. There had to be a reason why I seemed to overreact even though when I thought about it, it made no sense. There had to be a reason why I felt like I was continuously holding on for dear life on the edge of a cliff.

And, there had to be a reason why I felt like I was always running from a monster.

So I continued to search.

I think over the last several years I felt like I had for the most part, reached the Oasis, or at least I accepted the fact that I had to work really hard to continue to make the mirage into one. And yet, there were times that no matter how hard I worked, how much growth, acceptance, and understanding I thought I had achieved, or what challenges I thought I had conquered (some gracefully, others not), it seemed as though there was something underlying that just wouldn’t go away.

Some part of the puzzle that I just couldn’t seem to unlock.

And then I’d be right back on the ride, whether I was in line or not. The tools and coping skills I had learned during my journey are what saved me during those times, and I had them well tuned. Although it was a bit like trying to plug 5 holes in the bottom of the boat with only 2 hands and 2 feet, I could usually keep the water from sinking the boat long enough for it to float to shore where I could do some repairs. Sure, the boat never really was 100% when it went out on the next excursion, but it stayed afloat.

Then, early last year, I found myself on a wayward adventure further from shore than I imagined.

Suddenly, I was in the middle of a storm I didn’t expect, in a boat that wasn’t nearly big enough, and not only did I not have enough hands and feet to plug the holes, I didn’t even have time to use them because the storm was so intense that I spent all my energy just trying like hell to keep the sails up. The need to find an answer was immediate. I dug back into my research, tried a few new self-healing/self-help techniques, talked to some friends with similar experiences, and sought the help of an outside expert and found out that the lock I had been trying so desperately to find the key for, the mystery I had been trying so hard to unravel, and the roller coaster ride I had been trying to exit were all the symptoms related to having chronic and acute childhood and adolescent trauma.

It had been suggested to me in the past that I might have PTSD, and I had done a lot of research and tried a few of the healing and coping techniques, but I hadn’t really accepted it.

Looking back, that may have been that I didn’t WANT to accept it, and that I also thought that PTSD meant having bad dreams and night terrors, or recurring thoughts (flashbacks) about the past.

The majority of the seemingly random and intense feelings I was experiencing didn’t fit into either of those categories, so I thought the diagnosis was wrong. (For more information on the symptoms associated with PTSD, click here).

Although it is an incredible relief to no longer feel like I’m searching for an answer, as with most epic adventures, what I thought would be the grand finale is the start of a new chapter consisting of an entirely new journey to reconnect, understand, restore balance, transform, discover, and learn to see and appreciate the landscape from wherever I’m at.

As I embark on the next steps of my path, I take with me a sense of confidence in the tools I have gathered so far, an open mind and heart knowing there will be more to come, and a renewed sense of purpose – to inspire and empower others to find the path to their best life.

The new Journey begins.